Once you're inside

SO, you've managed to get into the bar. Lets assume legally, so you're starting with a “clean slate”, so to speak.

Rule 1 (and the only rule that matters) – Don't be a jerk. Sounds simple, right? Well, it should be, but this is 21^st century America, and in particular, New York City, so there's a bit more to it than that. This is not a frat party, so try to avoid frat-rat behavior. This includes stupid-ass drinking contests, pushing and shoving, mock-fighting and associated asshole-ish activities. This is also not your private clubhouse. You don't get to choose who comes in. We, the staff, do that. This means no causing problems because you don't like someones skin tone. This can also mean a particular cultural group, for example Guidos. Now take note, this has nothing to do with being of Italian ethnicity, it's a cultural thing. It most often involves short, gel-spiked hair (The Brooklyn or Staten Island Hedgehog), gold chains, tweezed eyebrows, pseudo-tribal tattoos, Ed Hardy, Affliction, UFC, or Eko shirts worn unbuttoned over “wife-beater” tee shirts and too many viewings of The Sopranos. These wonderful specimens tend to flock to Manhattan clubs, the Bay Ridge section of Brooklyn, and the South Shore of Staten Island. Where, if there they remained, there would be less of a problem.

They don't mix well with other types of crowds.

You're in a bar, full of people who're consuming mind-altering substances-mostly alcohol, but not always. You will be bumped, have your toe stepped on, and people will “look at you”

Accept it. If you are lucky enough to be there with an attractive date, people will be “looking at her/him”. Take it as a complement. They're going home with you, right? So why worry? If you're that insecure or you're date is likely to be “swept off her/his feet” by someone the meet while on a date with you...well, maybe you should stick to dinner and/or a movie until you're ready for the advanced class.

If you do wind up having a problem with someone, and this may be through no fault of your own, you have only a few options. First-Try to avoid them. The place is probably big enough to simply keep your distance. Staying close and exchanging “eye-fucks” will not end well, I assure you. Another option is leave. Seriously, just leave. Is the prospect of a brawl honestly worth sticking around? Now, I know I'm older that the majority of patrons, and my outlook is jaundiced by virtue of my job, but is it really worth it? Now, if you happen to be young and/or stupid and hanging out with a bunch of other young/stupid types you may have concerns regarding your “rep”. Grow up. I have news for you, in a couple of years, assuming you survive your young/stupid phase, NO ONE will care. Not you, nor any of the people you associated with during said period. This is via a process known as Growing Up. I highly recommend it. You can go and mention your problem to a staff member, but this is usually beyond the intellectual and emotional reach of most patrons. Unless you're a regular, you're probably going to worry about that “rep” I mentioned earlier, and skip right past this option. Leading to the final, and most commonly chosen option, Escalation. This is a process involving dirty looks (aka. “eye-fucks), reciprocal bumps and shoves, “trash-talking” and usually ending with shouting, shoving and a punch.

Next: “Hey, a tussle!”

Musings on being a smart patron...

So, here's a few basic tips on bar/club behavior:

Getting in-If there's a line, shut up and wait. We're not making you wait outside because we're enjoying a little power trip. Odds are the place is at, or over legal capacity and it's just too damn crowded. Yes, we're “serious” when we say you'll have to wait. And no, we can't just let a couple in.

It's never “just a couple” and the jerk-offs behind you are just going to try the same shit and make our live more miserable. Too bad about it being cold, raining, windy, whatever...we're standing outside as well and we're not blind.

Now, in some places, such as higher-end clubs, the doorman-who is different from a bouncer-has a certain criteria about admittance. This may depend on dress, demeanor, level of obnoxiousness, or willingness to slip him a few dollars. Usually this will be about $10-20 EACH, not total. Suck it up and deal with it, or go away. Life isn't fair and as long as there's no obvious racial bias, the place can let in or exclude whomever it feels like. Be aware that there are almost certainly cameras trained on the entrance, so being loud, obvious or an asshole will not help you.

If you're waiting in line, do something useful, like getting your damn ID out of your purse, wallet or bundle of crap you keep wrapped with a rubber band (also known as a Staten Island wallet). You're going to need it eventually and making us wait while you fumble for it isn't going to win you points. It's also a good idea not to fumble with you wallet if you were dumb enough to leave your real ID in plain sight. We're watching what you do and a mismatched ID or refusal to show us the other means “bye-bye”.

If you don't have your ID, go away. You MAY be able to convince the guy working the door to make an exception, but don't count on it. There are a lot of variables in place-His mood, Your attitude and demeanor, etc. If you know you have a problem, don't wait until you're standing up front and trying to fast talk your way in. Come up to us beforehand, ask to speak with us off to the side, BE HONEST. We've probably been doing this for years and are pretty good at smelling bullshit. If you think the bouncer's open to the idea, mention “doing the right thing”- in other words, paying him off. This will not work a good portion of the time, but you've got a hell of a lot better chance doing it subtlety and politely than if you stand at the head of the line loudly asking “So how much you want?!?”. This will get you and your friends told to fuck off, at best.

Doormen have a slightly different skill set than the typical bouncer, and among them the ability to spot fake or altered ID's ranks high. If the ID's expired, don't try the “I lost my current one”, “I don't bring my valid one out 'cause I'm afraid to lose it”, “I got a DWI and it was revoked”, etc. We're not buying it. If it's expired, if even a day, it's invalid. We might make an exception for about a month, due to the general nature of the DMV, but again, don't count on it. If it was lost, well, sucks to be you. If it was revoked, no excuse not to have a non-driver's ID-costs all of $15 here in NY.

We also don't care if you we here last week, last night, or every day last month. That was then, this is now. Things change, such as the likely hood of a police raid-which we often know about ahead of time, the number and nature of the last few “incidents” and the general mood of the doorman. Deal with it or go away.

Be aware that we're pretty damn good at spotting a fake ID. Using one with any of several common commercial holographic seal is an immediate tip-off. NO, I'm not saying which ones, just accept the fact that a holographic seal isn't a guarantee. We also make it point to know which types of fakes are being churned out at any local colleges. Don't argue with us. It will just piss us off and then we'll probably take your ID away. Sure, we're not supposed to, but what are you going to do? Call the police and say “The mean doorman took my fake ID”? Good luck with that one. Worst case, we get told to hand it to the nice officer and you get arrested for possession of a forged document, or if it's one of the nice, stiff plastic ones, we may just snap it in half.

Oops.

-part 2 “once you're inside”

Bouncing 101

SO, I work as a bouncer. I do this 3-4 nights a week and it's my major source of income, so I take my job seriously. Now, I have people come up to me frequently and ask about becoming a bouncer.
Well, here's a few tidbits of hard learned truth.

First, forget 99.99% of what you think you know about it. We're not all 'roided-up gym rats who are just itching to demonstrate out latest super-ninja/ultimate fighter death moves. Most of us are just normal guys, trying to make a little extra cash by renting out ourselves as the buffer between drunken, often violent bar patrons and everyone else in the bar.
Now, most of us are on the large size, 'cause it can help to be a little intimidating, and most of us have some background in physical confrontations. This can be formal martial arts, training as former (or current) law enforcement or just plain experience in street fighting. The truth is, that it's better to be a good communicator who's willing to take the time and defuse a situation before it turns violent. That's why I prefer, without exception, to work with guys who are over 30 yrs old. They've generally had time to work out the youthful testosterone poisoning and be able to look at is nothing personal.
Now, I hate to quote a line from Road House but amidst all the horse shit in that film is one pearl of perfect wisdom "It's a job. It's nothing personal". We watch the crowd, we study peoples body language and facial expressions and we try like hell to see trouble coming before it starts.
Once a fight breaks out, all that's left is damage control. Try to get them separated, get them outside-whenever possible via different exits, and get the night back on track. The bar/club exists for the sole purpose of providing an environment in which the owners can separate you from your money, and if you're worried about your safety, you'll just find somewhere else to do your drinking.

This is bad for business, and bosses love to point fingers and we're at the bottom of the pile.

We are, almost without exception, the lowest paid employees in any bar or club. It's just the way it is. Now, this is mostly due to the fact that we don't recieve tips, neither directly or a a portion of the bartender's nightly tips.

Objectively, this is a good thing, as we should have NO vested interest in allowing more people into the bar, especially if they're "wrong" in some way...no or fake ID's, already drunk or beligerent, etc.

But again, it's a balancing act. Too few customers and the owner's will downsize the staff-beginning with us. Too many problems resulting from being too leinient at the door, also justification for a staff shake-up. A real Catch-22.

Now, in theory, it'd be nice if the bartenders gave up a little thank you every night, regardless of the crowd, not a percentage, but just say a nice $20-50. as a thank you. After all, we're not the ones who can be sued for serving an obvious drunk who gets in his car and runs into a van full of nuns, nor are we going to get a summons or arrested for serving a minor....we didn't serve them, the bartender did. We keep that from happening, but the 20-yr old kid who helps stock the bar and bus tables will often leave with double what we make on any given night.

Next I'll go into patron-bouncer interactions, and all the fun ways they can go to hell in a heartbeat.....

In the Beginning.....

Ok, so a bit pretentious, but this really is my very first post on my very first Blog, so if you'll allow me a bit of ego...
Anyway, why Blog?
Well, that's not a simple question for me to answer. I don't pretend that what I say will interest 99.999% of the population and everyone else will most likely never even find me.
I'm well aware that I'm far behind the curve when it comes to blogging, so I don't imagine that I'll be breaking any new ground or in general doing anything revolutionary.
What this blog will be is a place for me to write about things that "click" with me. They may be amusing or infuriating, but they will, in some way , matter to me.
Maybe something I write will strike a chord with one of you out there, maybe not, but that's not really the point. At best, I'll give you something to think about for a little while.
That'd be just fine with me.