Once you're inside

SO, you've managed to get into the bar. Lets assume legally, so you're starting with a “clean slate”, so to speak.

Rule 1 (and the only rule that matters) – Don't be a jerk. Sounds simple, right? Well, it should be, but this is 21^st century America, and in particular, New York City, so there's a bit more to it than that. This is not a frat party, so try to avoid frat-rat behavior. This includes stupid-ass drinking contests, pushing and shoving, mock-fighting and associated asshole-ish activities. This is also not your private clubhouse. You don't get to choose who comes in. We, the staff, do that. This means no causing problems because you don't like someones skin tone. This can also mean a particular cultural group, for example Guidos. Now take note, this has nothing to do with being of Italian ethnicity, it's a cultural thing. It most often involves short, gel-spiked hair (The Brooklyn or Staten Island Hedgehog), gold chains, tweezed eyebrows, pseudo-tribal tattoos, Ed Hardy, Affliction, UFC, or Eko shirts worn unbuttoned over “wife-beater” tee shirts and too many viewings of The Sopranos. These wonderful specimens tend to flock to Manhattan clubs, the Bay Ridge section of Brooklyn, and the South Shore of Staten Island. Where, if there they remained, there would be less of a problem.

They don't mix well with other types of crowds.

You're in a bar, full of people who're consuming mind-altering substances-mostly alcohol, but not always. You will be bumped, have your toe stepped on, and people will “look at you”

Accept it. If you are lucky enough to be there with an attractive date, people will be “looking at her/him”. Take it as a complement. They're going home with you, right? So why worry? If you're that insecure or you're date is likely to be “swept off her/his feet” by someone the meet while on a date with you...well, maybe you should stick to dinner and/or a movie until you're ready for the advanced class.

If you do wind up having a problem with someone, and this may be through no fault of your own, you have only a few options. First-Try to avoid them. The place is probably big enough to simply keep your distance. Staying close and exchanging “eye-fucks” will not end well, I assure you. Another option is leave. Seriously, just leave. Is the prospect of a brawl honestly worth sticking around? Now, I know I'm older that the majority of patrons, and my outlook is jaundiced by virtue of my job, but is it really worth it? Now, if you happen to be young and/or stupid and hanging out with a bunch of other young/stupid types you may have concerns regarding your “rep”. Grow up. I have news for you, in a couple of years, assuming you survive your young/stupid phase, NO ONE will care. Not you, nor any of the people you associated with during said period. This is via a process known as Growing Up. I highly recommend it. You can go and mention your problem to a staff member, but this is usually beyond the intellectual and emotional reach of most patrons. Unless you're a regular, you're probably going to worry about that “rep” I mentioned earlier, and skip right past this option. Leading to the final, and most commonly chosen option, Escalation. This is a process involving dirty looks (aka. “eye-fucks), reciprocal bumps and shoves, “trash-talking” and usually ending with shouting, shoving and a punch.

Next: “Hey, a tussle!”