So, here's a few basic tips on bar/club behavior:
Getting in-If there's a line, shut up and wait. We're not making you wait outside because we're enjoying a little power trip. Odds are the place is at, or over legal capacity and it's just too damn crowded. Yes, we're “serious” when we say you'll have to wait. And no, we can't just let a couple in.
It's never “just a couple” and the jerk-offs behind you are just going to try the same shit and make our live more miserable. Too bad about it being cold, raining, windy, whatever...we're standing outside as well and we're not blind.
Now, in some places, such as higher-end clubs, the doorman-who is different from a bouncer-has a certain criteria about admittance. This may depend on dress, demeanor, level of obnoxiousness, or willingness to slip him a few dollars. Usually this will be about $10-20 EACH, not total. Suck it up and deal with it, or go away. Life isn't fair and as long as there's no obvious racial bias, the place can let in or exclude whomever it feels like. Be aware that there are almost certainly cameras trained on the entrance, so being loud, obvious or an asshole will not help you.
If you're waiting in line, do something useful, like getting your damn ID out of your purse, wallet or bundle of crap you keep wrapped with a rubber band (also known as a Staten Island wallet). You're going to need it eventually and making us wait while you fumble for it isn't going to win you points. It's also a good idea not to fumble with you wallet if you were dumb enough to leave your real ID in plain sight. We're watching what you do and a mismatched ID or refusal to show us the other means “bye-bye”.
If you don't have your ID, go away. You MAY be able to convince the guy working the door to make an exception, but don't count on it. There are a lot of variables in place-His mood, Your attitude and demeanor, etc. If you know you have a problem, don't wait until you're standing up front and trying to fast talk your way in. Come up to us beforehand, ask to speak with us off to the side, BE HONEST. We've probably been doing this for years and are pretty good at smelling bullshit. If you think the bouncer's open to the idea, mention “doing the right thing”- in other words, paying him off. This will not work a good portion of the time, but you've got a hell of a lot better chance doing it subtlety and politely than if you stand at the head of the line loudly asking “So how much you want?!?”. This will get you and your friends told to fuck off, at best.
Doormen have a slightly different skill set than the typical bouncer, and among them the ability to spot fake or altered ID's ranks high. If the ID's expired, don't try the “I lost my current one”, “I don't bring my valid one out 'cause I'm afraid to lose it”, “I got a DWI and it was revoked”, etc. We're not buying it. If it's expired, if even a day, it's invalid. We might make an exception for about a month, due to the general nature of the DMV, but again, don't count on it. If it was lost, well, sucks to be you. If it was revoked, no excuse not to have a non-driver's ID-costs all of $15 here in NY.
We also don't care if you we here last week, last night, or every day last month. That was then, this is now. Things change, such as the likely hood of a police raid-which we often know about ahead of time, the number and nature of the last few “incidents” and the general mood of the doorman. Deal with it or go away.
Be aware that we're pretty damn good at spotting a fake ID. Using one with any of several common commercial holographic seal is an immediate tip-off. NO, I'm not saying which ones, just accept the fact that a holographic seal isn't a guarantee. We also make it point to know which types of fakes are being churned out at any local colleges. Don't argue with us. It will just piss us off and then we'll probably take your ID away. Sure, we're not supposed to, but what are you going to do? Call the police and say “The mean doorman took my fake ID”? Good luck with that one. Worst case, we get told to hand it to the nice officer and you get arrested for possession of a forged document, or if it's one of the nice, stiff plastic ones, we may just snap it in half.
Oops.
-part 2 “once you're inside”
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